The following bits are from a syndicated newspaper column that Bob Timmers wrote under the name of "Grandpa Bob." These were published in small town weekly papers throughout the USA during 1992-1994. Most of these short stories actually came from the readers themselves. The material is not rockabilly related, but should make for a "fun family read." More articles will added in the upcoming months. ENJOY...

In a small Illinois town the children were invited to participate in the ground-breaking ceremony for a new Sunday school building. Each child turned over a small shovelful of dirt. Later in the day one of the little girls was asked by her grandfather, ''What happened at church this morning?'' She answered, ''We dug for a new school, but didn't find it.''

Grandma Irene of Kaukauna shares the following...
Granddaughter Colleen, with all the wisdom of a six year old, explained to grandma the cycle of life. This is her version as told on a summer afternoon visit,
''First you go to school,
Then you go to high school,
Then you get married,
Then you have children,
Then you're a grandma,
Then you die.... and you know what, Grandma? You don't have far to go!''

Patricia Parsons, of Arizona writes: When our only daughter became a graduate nurse, my husband Norman was proud of her career choice. One day he even went to the hospital nursery and looked though the window as she tended the babies. Along side Norman stood a beaming new father. ''That's my baby the nurse is changing now,'' he boasted. But even more emphatic was Norman's response, ''And that's my baby changing yours!''

Last month a Michigan grandmother brought home a pine-scented incense candle to give her home that holiday aroma she remembered when she was a child. Her three-year-old grandson Randy was visiting as she put the candle on a dish and lit it. She looked up and saw him with his fingers in his ears ­ waiting for an explosion.

Here's something I remember from my younger days. I went to call on my friend Gary one morning to ask him to come out to play. I never forget his answer, ''I have to practice my trombone for one-half hour, do the dishes and clean my room. So I'll be out in 15 minutes.''

When Grandpa Gerry retired last spring, he spent much of his time at home. Now he's taken a new job driving a city bus, back on a full-day work schedule. His son asked his mother, ''It must be a relief to get dad out of the house again.'' She replied, ''You bet! I married the man for better or worse, but not for lunch!''

Lauri and Mike recently had their first child, Mike Junior. Together with the insurance benefits and all their savings they paid the medical bills plus purchased the kid some toys and clothes. The couple was discussing how to meet their other financial situation one night, when the baby demanded a diaper change. Lauri got up and complained, ''Junior is the only thing in this house that's paid for, and he leaks.''

When my grandson Ben attended a pre-school class, he was intensely coloring a picture when the time came to wrap up the drawing portion of the hour and move on to another project. ''Time to put the canyons away, Ben,'' the teacher announced. Ben replied, ''Let me use just one more color before I'm done, OK?'' The teacher agreed. Ben then proceeded to select five more crayons ­ all different shades of green.

Reminiscing about the past, Grandpa Jim was telling his three grandchildren about his fireman days. ''Do you know why we had a dalmatian dog along with us on the fire runs?'' he asked. Jack responded, ''To keep the crowds back, Grandpa?'' ''No,'' said Laurie, ''It was for good luck.'' But 6-year-old Brandon thought he had the best answer when he blurted out, ''They used dogs to find the fire hydrants. Right, Grandpa.''

My son's sister-in-law has a 3-year-old daughter, Katie. Recently Katie and her mother went out for pizza. There was a battle over Katie's drink. She wanted soda, and mother strongly suggested water. The child wound up with a glass of water with her pizza. Before they began eating, mother had turned away for a second. Katie used that time to grab a meatball off the pizza and plop it into her water glass, complaining, ''Mommy there's a meatball in my water. It's all dirty. Now kin I have soda?''

Talking with his grandson about college life, Grandpa Joe asked about the food: ''Is it buffet style or do they serve you at tables?'' He answered, ''Buffet.'' Grandpa went on, ''But what if the pie runs out before the last person in line gets to it?'' ''Gramps,'' said the student, ''They don't make those soupy pies like Grandma does.''

This past Halloween I answered the doorbell and confronted a little girl about 3-years-old. She had on a very cute witch costume. As she opened her bag to receive the goodies, I notice a mask in the bag. ''Why don't you wear your mask?'' I questioned. She turned red and whispered, ''I'm scared of it.''

Grandma and Grandpa Harris wanted to entertain just the grandchildren this past Thanksgiving. Before dinner Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, their four grandchildren. Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. When asked what was the matter, she replied, ''I'm just praying for a little patience to handle these darn blessings.''

5-year-old Jonathan, appearing as an angel in the kindergarten Christmas pageant, had only one line: ''I bring you good tidings!'' After the one and only rehearsal he had to attend, he asked his mother what ''tidings' were. She explained it was ''news''. At the performance the following night his turn to speak came. He looked over at his mother and seemed confused for a few seconds, then blurted out, ''Oh yeah...Have I got news for you!''

Grandpa Harold was known to stop at the local pub and tip a few after supper. He was trying to clean up his act and enrolled in some night classes at the local technical college. Things were going fine, until the school computer mailed him a notice stating that he had missed three nights in a row. He called the office and sure enough, they found a computer error. ''Don't worry Harold,'' the secretary said, ''We'll get that computer settled down yet.'' Grandpa replied, ''Computer! Who is gonna settle down my wife!''

Grandpa Jonathan tells us he'd like to see a new diet plan called ''Reducing Roulette.'' You could buy a six-pack of diet soda and one of the cans would contain a beer.''

I overheard this comment while eating at a local fast food joint. One senior citizen who was conversing with another remarked, ''I'm going to Florida where two ice cubes at a time is all the winter I'll ever see."

Bill, a not-yet grandparent friend of mine, told me this cute story the other morning. When his daughter, now 14, was a toddler he had the habit of giving her kiss before he went off to work each day. One morning the child was sitting in the high chair with a face coated with excess oatmeal as dad bent down to peck her on the cheek. Trying to clean off a spot for dad to kiss, she grabbed his brand new tie and wiped her mouth. Yes, dad changed the tie.

When I was babysitting the grandchildren recently, Ben was making motor noises while running around in circles in the kids' playroom. I stopped him and asked what he was. ''I'm a car with a motor engine,'' he replied. I thought I'd give a good straight line, ''What kind of gas do you run on?'' Without hesitation he responded with, ''I use chocolate milk. I tried Kool-Aid, but it doesn't work so good.''

Little Jason questioned his grandfather: ''How come Mountain Dew will spoil my dinner and Miller Lite gives you an appetite?''   Another reported quote uttered by the same little Jason as he stood outside his older sister's bedroom, ''They call it homework. All they do is open some books and talk about boys.''

Grandpa Albert tells us about his recent trip to the doctor. The doc told him to give up those dinners for four unless he has three other people eating with him.

Six-year-old Steven announced to his father that he wanted to get out of the first grade and go into the third. ''All the older kids are learning about caveman and dinosaurs,'' he complained, ''and I want to hear about those prehysterial times, too!''

When asked why her older teen-age brother seemed so muscular, seven-year-old Amy replied, ''Well, I know how his right arm got strong. He spends hours in front of the mirror combing his hair.''

An Arizona teacher reports to us that one of her pupils should make a good businessman. When he was asked, ''If you have 100 and take away 55, what have you got?'' He responded, ''Control of the company.''

Upon meeting a psychologist at a party, Grandma Pauline was trying to get free professional advice. ''What kind a electronic toy would you give an average three-year-old for his birthday?'' The doctor hedged, ''First I'd have to know more about the child and...'' Grandma interrupted, ''He's very smart, quick-witted, has very good coordination, and is exceptionally advanced for his age.'' ''Oh,'' said the psychologist, ''Could this so-called 'average' 3-year-old be your grandson by any chance.''

Here's a humorous story about a wealthy businessman as told by one of his grandchildren. Back in 1927 the businessman was bringing his wife, new baby and a nurse home from the hospital in a brand new Lincoln. As luck would have it, the car stalled on the tracks and they could hear a whistle blowing in the distance. Now, the man would rather risk his life than admit he couldn't handle any problem.
He looked at his watch and said calmly, ''The 4:05 is right on time.'' ''My baby!'' screamed his wife. ''Let's get out!'' ''What! And leave a $6000 Lincoln on the tracks!'' He snapped. ''If you will just settle down, I'll get it started.''
But nobody settled down, and the train came into view. Everyone left the car except the businessman. He leaned out the window and yelled to his wife, ''Hey Ruth. In case I get killed, the key to the vault is behind the Shakespeare book in my study.''
The conductor, slowing down for a stop anyway, managed to halt the train ten feet from the car.
''Damn!'' cursed the businessman. ''Now I've got to find a new hiding place for the vault key!''

A grandson of my neighbor wanted to test his new CD and stereo set-up. He turned up the volume about half way, walked out of the apartment, closed the door and listened. It was loud and he was happy until he tried to re-enter the apartment and discovered the door was locked. Since his roommate would be home soon, he had nothing to do but sit outside in the hall and enjoy the music. Soon a elderly man from across the hall opened his door and shouted above the noise, ''Look kid, if you'd turn the darn thing down, you wouldn't have to sit in the hall to listen to it!''

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game. His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, Bang!'' Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was alright. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

Joan L., a grandmother who lives in Washington, DC, had the chance to show her very studious grandson the sights in the nation's capital. When they got to the Washington Monument, grandma said, ''Well, what do think of that?'' The 7-year-old, who is very interested in science, observed, ''That little one couldn't even make it to the moon.''

On a night flight my uncle sat next to an elderly woman who kept peering out the window at the blinking wing-tip light. Finally she pushed the call button for the stewardess. ''I hate to bother you,'' she said worriedly, ''but could you please tell the pilot his directional light is still on?''

8-year-old Daniel heard his grandmother tell his mother that a football was needed for the family dinner Sunday night. Daniel couldn't imagine why, but if he could help grandma prepare the meal, he would. But he didn't have a football, so he went over to Greg's house and traded 50 baseball cards for an old deflated football. He pumped it up, shined it and placed it on the kitchen table waiting for grandma to discover it. ''Daniel!'' his mother exclaimed, ''You know Grandma is cooking tonight. Please put your things where they belong!'' Daniel was holding back the tears, ''But it's for Grandma! She said she needed a football for dinner.'' Mother did her best to hold back the laughter, ''You know Grandma and her Irish accent. She meant a FRUIT BOWL!''

Trying to explain what happened to his 5-year-old grandson when he crashed his big wheel, Grandpa B.J. explained, ''Lonnie was just riding along on the sidewalk, swung off into the fire hydrant, bounced over the curb, landed on the sewer grate and then appeared to lose control.''

Little Andre made frequent visits to his grandparents house. The elderly couple had a portrait of themselves, made 15 years ago, hanging above the TV. One day Andre came in, walked up to the picture and observed, ''There's something strange about this picture. Every time I look at it, you guys get younger.''

One Saturday morning a suburban Nashville grandmother remarked to her neighbor that she was going to get her 12-year-old grandson to wash the car when he came over to visit. Not to be outdone, the neighbor lady bragged that her 8-year-old grandson would pick up tree limbs that were scattered around the yard. You guessed it. An hour later one grandma was washing a car while the other was picking up branches.

The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed busy and not interested. One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, ''Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!'' Mother replied, ''Great! And then what happened?'' Matthew said, ''Oh, she gave it to the policeman.''

Here's another police report: My brother remembers the day when a police car pulled up to grandma's house and grandpa got out. The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park. ''Why, Bill,'' said Grandma, ''You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?'' Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, ''Wasn't exactly lost. I was just to tired to walk home.''

Last Christmas Eve, Little Becky asked her grandmother: ''Grandma, did you get presents on Christmas when you were alive?'' Ouch!

After this season's first heavy snowfall, an enterprising teenage Minnesota boy decided to pick up some extra money by shoveling his grandparent's driveway. ''How much will you pay me grandpa?'' Trying to instill some integrity, grandpa replied, ''John, I'll leave to your judgement how much you charge. Let your conscience be your guide.'' An hour later John came back into the house and said, ''I'm finished, Grandpa, and I've figured it out. I am not going to charge you anything. Now let your conscience be your guide.''

The seventh grade class at a small northern Wisconsin school was asked to name five reasons why mother's milk is better for babies t han cow's milk. Jimmy turned in this report: #1. It's faster. #2. It's cleaner. #3. The cat can't get at it. #4. It's easier to handle when traveling, and #5. It comes in a better looking container.

Grandma and Grandpa Sprenger paid a visit to their grandson Cory at Christian summer camp last year. Upon arriving, eight-year-old Cory handed them a pamphlet explaining the rules and activities of his camp. After looking it over for a few minutes Grandpa said, ''There must be mistake!'' he exclaimed, ''Says here that all the children must rise at 5 am every day!'' Cory answered real fast, ''It's a mistake alright, but it's true.''

A tired father lost his cool while trying to referee the usual family hassles around the dinner table. ''Everyone wants their own way around here!'' he complained. ''Look at me, I'm just the poor dad. When do I get my way for a change?'' Four-year-old Anna pulled at his sleeve and suggested, ''Try crying a little, Dad.''

Mrs. Bromley was asking motherly questions of her seven-year-old son after he came home from spending a long weekend at his grandparents. ''How was your bed?'' she inquired. He paused thoughtfully, and finally said, ''I guess I really don't know. Every time I was in it, I was asleep.''

One of the neighbor kids told me this story about his grandmother. She flew to Texas recently, and upon arriving learned that her luggage had been lost. She complained to the airlines, ''I don't mind the rest of the stuff, but my diet book is in one suitcase. If I gain any weight in Houston I'm suing.''

A friend of mine, Al Demitt, frequently volunteers to play guitar and sing at senior retirement homes in our area. One evening he really played his heart out, and an elderly gentleman walked up to Al after the performance and said, ''Not bad!'' Al replied (with the same answer he always gives): ''It wasn't supposed to be!''

One Indiana grandmother reports to us about little 1-year-old Ally and her older bother Danny. During a visit to see grandma, Ally found a small bell in the family room. She played with it and rang it until her 3-year old brother also became interested in the noise-maker. Thus the usual ''I want it'' power struggle began. Ally quickly disappeared in to the family room and returned without the bell and the fighting ceased. Exactly one week later Ally and her brother showed up again at grandma's house. Ally wasted no time as she waddled right in, past grandma, and straight into the family room to mysteriously reclaim the bell she had hidden the week before. Now grandma had searched that room from top to bottom during the week looking for that bell, but it appears that 1-year-old Ally knows the crooks and crannies of grandma's house much better.

One of old man Jenkins' friends was visiting the aging alcoholic character shortly before he died, and found him sitting up reading the Bible. Jenkins glanced at his friend and explained, ''I'm looking for loopholes.''

During the first quarter of the current school year Michael's report card had no grade on it higher than a ''C''. Well, he did no better the second quarter. His parents showed the report card to Grandpa, in hopes he could offer some inspirtational words to the boy . After a long pause, Grandpa spoke, ''Let's have a talk, Michael. It's time someone told you about the A's and B's.''

7-year-old Julian rushed into the kitchen recently, asking his mother, ''What is sex?'' Caught off guard, she quickly began to stumble through a clinical version of the facts of life. But Julian only became more puzzled as she talked. Finally he pulled out the identification card from his brand new wallet and said, ''Gee Ma, I'll never get all that stuff into this little square marked Sex!''

Olivia is the 17-year-old granddaughter of Grandma and Grandpa Thorpe. A classmate had fixed her up with a blind date. Now Olivia usually wears glasses, but decided to meet her date without wearing them. She thought if she liked the boy, she'd skip wearing them while they were out. If not, she would go back to her room and put them on. Well, the guy showed up, and she was not impressed, so back she went to retrieve her glasses. But she was surprised when she returned to find that he, too, had put on his glasses.

One Saturday last March Grandpa Lyle visited his twin grandsons in Michigan. As he pulled up to their house, located across from the schoolyard, he noticed the kids seemed to have mastered the art of keeping their kite flying high and steady. While other kites in the gusty wind were diving to the ground, theirs continued to float gracefully. It wasn't until the twins' kite came down that he discovered the secret of its success. The kite had a long light-weight tail, with air pockets. As he walked up to t he boys he discovered the kids had ingeniously tied together four of their mother's bras.

Mrs. Ethel Ayers shared a memory with her granddaughter: ''When we were kids, I belonged to a 'Cookie Club.' In order to join the club, a new member had to bring cookies when she attended her first meeting.'' The granddaughter, smacking her lips, asked, ''How often did you hold your meetings, Grandma?'' She answered, ''Oh, we just met when we got a new member.''

While Grandpa Lester was taking his four-year-old grandson for a walk, the subject of conversation turned to cats. ''Grandpa,'' said the youngster. ''Is your cat a daddy cat or mommy cat?'' Grandpa replied, ''Why he's a daddy cat of course.'' The boy pressed on, ''But how do you know for sure he's a daddy cat?'' Grandpa had an simple answer to a delicate question, ''Why, he's got whiskers, ain't he!''

When Grandpa Kelsey, who fancies himself as quite a statistican, was questioned about his love for desert, he offered this observation: ''You know a person eats 25,000 eggs, 5000 loaves of bread, 8000 pounds of beef, 15 pigs and over 2 tons of chicken and fish in a lifetime...so what difference can a few pieces of cake make?''

Grandma Viv R. of Wisconsin used to be an avid biker (we assume bicycle not motorcyle) before she had a stroke at the age of 51. When her nine-year-old grandson Jeff received his first two wheel bike, he proudly rode over to her house to show it off. He asked if she could ride a bike. ''Yes,'' she answered, ''But I can't do it anymore.'' To that Jeff replied, ''Why don't you have Grandpa put training wheels on for you?''

This past Christmas season spawned a ''Home Alone 2'' type report from Grandpa Harold, a policeman from New York. It goes like this: He found two lost boys tearfully searching for their mother as a big department store was closing on a Sunday afternoon. Harold asked them where they lived, but they said they didn't know. Just then a familiar looking, white-haired, red-clothed fat man came walking around the corner. The boys stopped crying, ran up the man and pulled on his sleeve, ''It's Santa!'' one of them exclaimed, ''He knows where we live!''

It's not yet Mother's Day, but this cute story needs to be told now. A ''hoping-to-be-someday Grandmother'' was visiting her childless son and daughter-in-law last May. She noticed a box of candy on the kitchen table and inquired why the daughter-in-law recieved a Mother's Day gift without yet being a mother. The response was, ''Bill gave it to me for EFFORT.''

A Florida grandfather had a hard time opening one of the two windows of the bedroom where he and grandma sleep. He told his grandson that the windows now have been given names, His and Hernia.

It was Grandpa Jim's 60th birthday and his two teen-age granddaughters, Maria and Julie, were in charge of baking and decorating his cake. The girls worked secretly in the kitchen preparing Grandpa's surprise desert. After the meal, they brought out the cake, apologizing that they couldn't come up with 60 candles. But the girls had a bright substitution idea ­ in the middle of the cake, they had inserted a 60-watt light bulb.

Grandpa Bob (that's me) has a friend that lays carpet for a living. He told me the following yarn. There was a carpet layer who had worked a full morning installing wall-to-wall carpeting in a living room. Upon finishing, he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the room. He felt in his shirt pocket searching for his cigarettes, but they were missing. He wasn't about to tear up the carpet, so he went out to the back of this truck and brought in a two-by-four. Stomping down the cigarettes with the board's end was easy. Once the lump was smoothed out, he gathered up his tools and carried them to his truck. Then two things happened at the same time...he saw his cigarettes on the front seat of his truck, and heard the voice of the lady who just had the carpet installed, ''Did you happen to see our pet canary anywhere?''

Mr. Casey is very concerned about the type of boy his daughter dates. Recently a Don Juan came over to the house and began to brag about all his super talents. He informed Mr. Casey about his feats on the basketball court, football field, rock band and vast knowledge of advanced computer programming. After listening to this self praise, Mr. Casey leaned over and said to the lad, ''Ever consider having a group photograph taken of yourself?''

Grandma Lydia reports that her daughter heard a big argument going on outside and after investigating, she discovered several children were teasing her 4-year old son about the new neighbor girl Jessica being his girlfriend. Aaron very firmly stated, ''She's not my girlfriend!'' The kids all asked, ''Who is then?'' His reply was ''Grandma Lydia!'' Needless to say, grandma enjoyed hearing this story again and again.

 A cute observation from Grandpa Bob's Science Department: Michael was told by his teacher that some people can actually tell what time it is by looking at the sun. Michael ran over to the window, glanced at the sun and aid, ''It's too bright. How do they see the numbers?''

Grandma Betty was visiting her five-year-old granddaughter Christy when the child accidently knocked over a glass of soda. Kalene's mother wasn't in the room at the time and didn't see the incident, so Grandma quickly cleaned up the mess. But she did ask Christy, "What does your mother do when you make a mess like this?" The reply was, "She counts to ten." Grandma said, "And then what happens." Little Christy answered, "I donıt know. I usually am outta there by SEVEN."

It was "sharing time" in a New York City kindergarten full of bright young pupils. Mrs. Archer was presiding over a discussion about the religious backgrounds of the children's mothers and fathers. Little David said, "My mother is Jewish and my father is Catholic." Mrs. Archer questioned, "So what do you believe, David?" He said, "Oh, I believe in almost everything." Mrs. Archer asked, "What do you mean by almost everything?" He responded, "Like Jesus, Moses, the Tooth Fairy and Barney the Dinosaur." 

When Becky was told that she needed an X-ray, Grandma Sue offered to take her to the clinic. When Becky came out of the X-ray room, she told her grandmother, "They took a picture of my bones." Granny said, "Well, tell me all about it" Becky said, "It was great. I didnıt even have to take my skin off!"

Grandpa Alex and his grandson Peter, five, were dining out at a fancy Los Angeles restaurant. The waiter came up to Peter and tied a white napkin around his neck. Peter looked puzzled and asked his grandfather, "Am I gonna eat or get a haircut?"

In central Illinois, precocious eight-year-old Ashley was asked by her teacher to write a homework assignment on "Where My Family Came From," she decided to do a bit of research first. So, before Ashley sat down at the kitchen table where she often did her homework, she asked her mother some questions. "Mom, where did I come from?" Her mother, being somewhat old-fashioned, said, "Well, the stork brought you, dear." Ashley went on, "Where did you come from, then?" The answer was, "Oh, I guess the stork brought me, too." Ashley persisted, "Okay, then where did Grandma come from?" She received the same answer. "Okay, thanks a lot, Mom," said Ashley, and settled down to start her assignment. About ten minutes later mother happened to walk by and read the first sentence of the essay: "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."

Four-year-old Nicole was extremely interested in the progress of her mother's pregnancy. Finally the day of the birth grew close and Nicole overheard mom and dad discussing the situation and the fact that mother would have to go to the hospital. Nicole looked at her mother and with a puzzled frown she said, "Mom, I don't understand. If they're going to deliver the baby, why do you have to go to the hospital?"

"What's the matter with you?" asked nine-year-old Gina. Her six-year-old brother answered, "I've got a pain in my abdomen." Gina exclaimed, "You mean your stomach. Don't you know that only adults have abdomens?"

This story comes from a New York City reader. Three little boys were loitering outside one of the movie theatres were Aladdin was showing trying to think of a way to sneak in without paying. Eventually one of the boys edged pass the ticket taker and was half-way into the theater before an usher grabbed him and said, "Where do you think you're goinı?" The boy answered, ³Let me go, I'm the critic for Sesame Street.²

Is everything considered high-tech nowadays, even Mom? For example: In an Oklahoma family, where there were three small children, the dad had gone off to work while mother was sick in bed. Soon, the telephone rang and seven-year-old Tracy answered it. "Hello...I'm sorry, I can't talk right now because our main computer is down. Please call back tomorrow."

After hearing a sermon on the subject of "Itıs a sin to tell a lie," five-year-old Amy was questioning her grandmother about the integrity of the family members, "Did you ever tell a lie, Grandma?" Grandma, being truthful, replied, "Yes, I'm sure I've told one or two." Amy continued, "And what about Grandpa, my mother and dad, and Uncle Billy?" Grandma paused and said, "I guess weıve all slipped..." Amy interrupted with, "Gee, it must be very quiet up in Heaven. Can't be anyone up there but God and George Washington."

Gary came home from school with a torn shirt. His mother sighed deeply, "Oh, Gary, you've been in another fight." "But Mom," sniffled Gary, "This time I was just keeping some little boy from being beaten up by some bigger boy." "Well," said Mom, "I guess that was the brave thing to do. Who was the little boy?" Gary confessed, "Me, Ma."

Grandma Diane was not happy being stuck sitting on the shore of Bass Lake reading a book while Grandpa was spending the afternoon fishing with his buddies on the end of a long pier. It was about four o'clock when her daughter came by and said, ''I can't find Dad. Do you know where he went?'' ''Sure,'' she replied. ''Just go to the end of the dock and look for a pole with a worm on both ends.''

Two rather catty elderly ladies were sitting in the doctor's office. They noticed as the attractive receptionist got up, put on a beautiful fur coat and walked out for her lunch break. One lady turned to the other and whispered, ''I wonder if she's wearing that coat to keep her warm or quiet.''

While substitute teaching in the seventh grade, a Chicago teacher found a book and recognized the boy's name written inside the cover. When she gave it to him, he said, ''No, this belongs to to my brother...he's half a grade ahead of me because he's six months older.'' Before she could recover from this remark, he added, ''One of us is adopted, but I forget which one.'' Those words warmed Grandpa Bob's spirits as I pictured a home where being adopted made so little difference.

A few weeks ago while at our Northern Wisconsin cottage, I asked my grandson Ben to replace the battery in the bedroom clock and also to reset it to the correct time. He did both, but I just had to tease him by saying, ''That' s great ... but how do I tell if it's set at AM or PM?'' He frowned and looked me straight in the eye replying, ''Just look out the window, Grandpa!''

A second grade North Carolina public school teacher asked her class, ''What type of person lives the longest.'' A quick answer came from Jannelle, ''According to my dad it is his rich uncle.''

Children often ask adults the meaning of certain words. Here are three words kids ask and the proper adult responses for each one. EXHAUSTED : I am too tired to answer you right now. PROCRASTINATION: I will tell you tomorrow. SUSPICIOUS: Why are you asking me all these silly questions?

Grandma Suzy from St. Louis offers a couple of tips for first-time expectant mothers: #1) A cold butter knife does not help keep down the swelling of your tummy. #2) Having plastic surgery on your nose will not prevent the baby from having a nose just like yours. And, #3) Do not bring a picture of an infant, that you clipped out of a magazine, to your obstetrician and tell him, ''This is what I want my child to look like.''

Observations made by Cal Worthington, Miami:
By the time I have money to burn my fire will be out.
C-c-caffeine: A g-g-grandparents b-b-best f-f-friend.
Can I use my A.M. radio in my 1959 Ford in the afternoon?
Careful planning will never replace dumb luck.

Lucille Dorn, of Northern Michigan, wants to pass some advice on to couples that plan on having a baby soon. ''Dressing your small child is not as easy as it seems. To prepare yourself, first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the legs hang out. Please allow 3 or 4 hours for this project.''

The parents of six-year-old Kevin were both called away on an out-of-town two-week business trip. So Kevin stayed with grandma and grandpa. Worried about his sloppy habits, the parents called to check on Kevins behavior, the reports were nothing but positive praise. On their return home, Kevin and his parents were reunited for supper. Mother and dad observed as Kevin kept his head six inches from the plate, talked while gulping his food, and then ate cake and ice cream with a butter knife. ''Kevin!'' Mother exploded, ''I can not believe what grandma and grandpa were talking about. Your manners are still terrible!'' The six-year-old looked up and replied, ''Gee Mom, do you think I eat like this when I am with real people.?''

Here is a joke submitted by a youngster pleading with me to publish it, so if youıve heard it before, please smile anyway. Back about two million years ago, there were three dinosaurs that were very close friends. Their names were Foot, Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot. One day, after eating some strange looking leaves, Foot became very ill and came down with a high fever. Despite all the herbs he tried, within a week Foot had passed away, leaving Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot very sad. Three days later, Foot-Foot complained of feeling sick. Foot-Foot-Foot was upset and said to Foot-Foot, ''I sure hope you did not eat any of those funny leaves. You know we already have one Foot in the grave!''

Grandma Suzy from St. Louis is back with a couple of tips on ''baby showers'' for first-time mothers: 1) Ask all guests to wear loose-fitting clothing so that there are no 22-inch waists in view. 2) Award the best prize to the person who comes up with the longest list of neighborhood baby-sitters. 3) Do not sit next to a woman who is a mother, so you will not hear any scary labor stories. 4) Take a photograph of the shower cake to show your doctor. He might be easier on you about your weight gain.

Robert and Betty Williams had a problem. Who was going to stay with his 84-year-old visiting grandmother when the couple went out Friday night? They solved it by asking the high school neighbor girl to come over and watch TV with her boyfriend. Grandma was supposed to go to bed around 9:00 pm, but when the couple returned at 2 am, there was Grandma still up sitting in the living room with the two teenagers. ''What are you doing up yet, Mother?'' said Robert. ''Go to bed indeed!'' she retorted. ''And who did you expect to chaperon these children?''

One of my favorite quips by a child is when a little girl was describing her appendectomy: ''The doctor told me it would not hurt. Then they stuck a needle in my arm and I disappeared.''

While at my nephews wedding recently, I was watching as the large bridal party began the Grand March. A little flower girl was also part the group, but she didn't have a partner. I asked a female friend sitting next to me, ''They should have one of those little guys in the bridal party, too. What do you call them again?'' My friend replied instantaneously (apparently without thinking), ''Midgets!''

Dr. Grandpa Maxwell is an optometrist and this past summer his eight-year-old grandson Jamie and two of Jamies friends came into Grandpas office requesting several of the docs business cards. ''OK,'' said Grandpa, ''but do you mind telling me what you guys want with an eye doctors cards?'' Jamie replied, ''We play Little League ball, and think the umpires need to make an appointment with you.''

Four-year-old Aaron walked into his house carrying a huge night crawler. ''Where,'' demanded his mother, ''Are you going with that big worm?'' ''We were playing together outside'', said Aaron, ''And I want to show him my room.''

An elderly motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car and license plate. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his vehicle. Instead of the $40 payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two twenty dollar bills. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture ­ of handcuffs!

When Grandpa Nelson was chatting with Grandpa Patterson he commented: ''My wife is in perfect health.'' Patterson replied, ''Wow, whatever does she talk about?''

Grandpa Butch Marquardt, Akron, Ohio compiled a list of useless inventions. He sent in almost one hundred, but I have selected a few of the best.
Double-sided playing cards.
Downhill stairmaster.
Electric dog polisher.
Fireproof kindling.
Handpowered chainsaw.
Inflatable anchor.
Open toed safety shoes.
Waterproof sponge.
And a parachute that opens automatically, upon impact.

My Grandson Ben enjoys riding with his dad on my all-terrain vehicle. Being eight years old, he can not ride alone, but often tries to push the 4-wheeler while it is parked in neutral with the engine turned off. He told me that he is really strong, because this 4-wheeler weighs over 200 pounds and he can make it roll forward, ''but itıs hard work because it makes my head turn red.''

Uncle Eric made good use of one of those baby sound monitors...the ones that let you eaves drop on the child while sleeping. Recently his wife Julie came home from grocery shopping and was talking in the babys room with their five-year-old daughter. Julie whispered, ''I am going to hide these candy bars in the babys top drawer. Now do not tell Dad where they are, or they will be gone within an hour.'' Gone within an hour they were, as Eric overheard the conversation through the babys monitor, and made short work of the candy bars. He says his wife Julie still can not figure out what happened.

Here are some tips on checking out the name you have selected for that new baby you are expecting:
It helps to see it written down. Scrawl it on a lunch bag, frost it on a birthday cake, or create a make-believe birth certificate with the name you chose filled in.
Ask the mailman about some of the neat names he has seen as return addresses on envelopes.
Visit a playground at a school recess and call out the name you have picked. If more than 7 kids come running toward you, it is probably too common.
And remember, all grandparents like names that were popular in their era ­ so ignore all their out-dated suggestions.

Grandma Lillian recently attended a local Indian pow-pow and brought her granddaughter Sharon along. When they walked up to the ticket booth, Lillian asked the price of admission for the child. ''Nothing,'' the ticket seller said, ''She is free.'' Sharon tugged on Grandmaıs blouse with her right hand and lifted up her left hand showing the appropriate number of fingers saying, ''Do not lie, Grandma, tell her I am not free ­ I am four.''

Thanks to Betty Long of Knoxville, TN for submitting the following classic...One day my daughter Cindy asked, ''Mom, how old are you?'' I said, ''I am 35.'' Cindy had learned recently at Sunday school that Jesus died at the age of 33. She sat pondering over what I had said for a while then and looked up and me and commented, ''Mom! Do you know you're older than Jesus!''

Here are a couple of one-liners to chew on...
You haven officially reached the ''Grandparent Age'' when you discover you know all the answers and nobody asks you the questions.
Children think Grandpas wallet always looks greener than theirs.
Children would all be brought up perfectly if families would just swap their kids.
Everyone knows what ought to be done with the neighbors kids.
Nobody is sicker than the man who is sick on his day off.
When you are mad at grandpa, do not say, ''May all your teeth fall out, and only one be kept so you have a bad toothache.''

The second grade teacher of Edison Elementary School, Asheville, North Carolina is ''Dot'' Roberts. Her class contained a set of seven-year-old identical twin boys, Matt and Mark, and she always had trouble telling the boys apart. One morning when the boys came to class, Mark walked up to Dots desk and said, ''You can tell us apart today, Ms. Dot ­ I am the one with the headache.''

A female friend of mine, also a grandparent, remembers riding home in the car with her husband on a beautiful moonlit night several years ago. She was suddenly overcome by the romantic moment and remarked, ''Before we were married we didn't sit this far apart.'' His quick straight answer surprised her. ''Well dear,'' he said, ''I didn't move.''

Tips on how to handle the first time you decide to hire a baby-sitter:
Donıt dress your baby daughter in her prettiest outfit, because it will be harder to leave her.
Go out with other people, so your spouse will have someone to converse with while youıre off making phone calls home.
Put the phone number, of the place you will be at, in convenient locations for the sitter. Try next to the phone, on the refrigerator door, or on the bathroom mirror.
Leave the baby history book handy, so if the kid does something cute the sitter can write it down.
When in a restaurant, do not stare at the childrens portion section.

The setting is Portland, Maine, about 8:00 in the evening...
The phone rings and a little boy answers the phone, speaking very quietly. The person on the other end of the phone says ''Is your Mommy home?''
The little boy replies, ''Yes.''
''May I speak to her please?''
''No, she is busy'', he responds quietly.
''Is your Daddy home?''
''Yes'', he responds quietly.
''May I speak to him please?''
''No, he is busy'', he responds quietly.
''Is there another adult in the house?''
''Yes, the Policemen are here'', he responds quietly.
''May I speak to one of them please?''
''No, they are busy?'', he responds quietly.
''Is there anyone else in the house?''
''Yes, the Firemen are here'', he responds quietly.
''May I speak to one of them please?''
''No, they are busy'', he responds quietly.
''My goodness, the Policemen and the Firemen are all there and are all busy.    What are they doing?''
''Looking for me!'', he responds quietly.

I would like to (not too seriously, though) discuss the manners of grandchildren. Adults have Emily Post, animals have training classes, but what's the deal with grand-children?
--I know that grandchildren have a certain animal magnetism. Grandparents kiss and hug them a lot, but what about their social graces? For instance, when at a wedding reception you'll find these little creatures jumping around and crawling under the tables. They need some direction.
--Let's start with table manners. The child should sit on the chair in such a way that all four legs touch the floor at the same time. I mean the actual chair (children only seem to have four legs.) And when they do topple over, they should do it gracefully without pulling the meal off with them.
--A properly trained grandchild will not use his fork to comb his hair, punch holes in the napkins or remove buttons from his clothes. They must never put the prongs of a fork under a glass of milk and hit the handle with their fist.
--Vegetables are made to be inserted into the mouth, not under plates or in pockets. This could lead to criticism from any grandparent who may be seated at the table with them.
--Peaceful coexistence with other children should be encouraged. Grandchildren should not hit each other over the head with a video tape box. One grandmother witnessed four-year-old Kattie whacking her twin brother in such a manner. After grandma had rescued the victim she went after the oppressor and shouted, ''Whats the matter with you? You can not bop Kevin with that box!'' Kattie listened very carefully with apparent interest and finally said, ''I can not? How come?''
--Grandchildren should have respect for grandparents and not say things like,''When do you think you're going to be dead, Grandma?'' or, ''Grandpa, why do you have all those stripes in your forehead?'' These kids ought to be made aware of what gets a grandparents goat. For instance, you have just traveled 100 miles to visit your favorite grandchild. And when you are ready to leave you say something like, ''Sweetie, aren't you going to give grandma a big hug and kiss goodbye? I will not see you again for three weeks. The child answers with, ''Sure, see ya. Mom, kin I have a Mountain Dew?''
--And these little ones should have respect for the property of their elders. Children for some unknown reason seem to delight in taking things they have no use for. It might seem foolish, but grandparents do get attached to things like knobs, car keys, watches, silverware and knick knacks. Playing with, and/or losing these objects can cause strain on the grandparent / grandchild relationship.
--There probably is some logic to some of their antics. For example: recently children were reported to have unraveled a roll of toilet paper from a grandma's upstairs bathroom window. Their simple explanation was, ''We just wanted to see how long it was.''

Susie and Amy set up a soda stand in front of Suzies grandparents house. The soda was a quarter and plain water was only a nickel. Soon the neighbor man walked up and asked for a cup of water, which he drained with one gulp. When he was able to get his voice back, he asked the girls where they got the water. ''From grandpas cupboard,'' was the answer. The neighbor smiled and said, ''That was the best nickel vodka I ever had.''

When my granddaughter Arianne entered kindergarten, I was honored to be invited to her schools open house, where she proceeded to conduct an hour tour of every square inch of her classroom. Boy, you tend to forget how tiny those tables and chairs really were. She showed us all the projects she was working on in Mrs. D's den of little people. But, for some reason, she doesn't want her name pasted on the ''tooth missing'' chart, so she is careful to keep her mouth closed around the teacher lest the hole in her upper choppers be discovered.

E-mail "Grandpa Bob", or S-mail direct to: Grandpa Bob, 1401 W. Edmund Dr., Appleton, WI 54914